Friday, October 8, 2010

Heartache

I started this blog when Tony and I started trying to have children mostly because I wanted to keep family and friends posted on our lives and soon to be the lives of our children.  I never in a million years thought my posts would sound like this nor did I realize how therapeutic sharing my feelings would be.  If you're not interested in my brutally honest thoughts then don't read below, but I need to get these thoughts out.  Believe it or not I feel a tiny bit better now that I did. 

I can honestly say that I never felt more hopeless and so very helpless before in my life.  I've been to four doctor's appointments in one week (one of which I walked out of because I had been there waiting over 1.5 hours) and I was on the verge of hyperventilating as I walked through the doors at each appointment.  Man, I hate going to these appointments.  It would be different if they didn't look at me with sad eyes and give me that "awww man, poor girl" look.  It would also be different if just one of them could have a tiny bit of good news and optimism for us... for Preston.  Instead I'm given worst case scenario which also includes the words "90% mortality and compassionate care."

I now know what it's like to cry myself to sleep, wake up crying in the middle of the night, and then find the tears streaming down my face again the next morning.  I'm amazed at the number of tears the human body is capable of producing.  Seriously, it's an awful lot.

Just when I seem to be having a peaceful moment free of worry and heartache, he'll kick or move which will bring on the vast array of emotions once again. I feel sad. I feel bitter. I feel mad. I am worried. I feel robbed. Isn't there a quota on how much tragedy one should go through in life?  Please don't tell me that I lost my mother when I was 13, and that I could be on the verge of losing my first child at the age of 31. Really?  I'm not sure I can handle it.  His grace is enough, right?  I believe that, I do, but when will I feel it?

I'm having a hard time staying positive and thinking positive thoughts. I can't seem to find the strength to finish his nursery just yet. Sometimes I just have to close the door so I can't look at it.  I pray that strength comes at any moment.

I now know what it's like to get frustrated with pregnant women who complain about how they're feeling or what they're going through. I would trade this heartache for a little bit of that heartburn in a second, sweetie. Just be glad you're pregnant and be glad your baby is healthy.  I would never wish this type of situation on anyone ever.  Work has been hard to say the least... I do see quite a few pregnant ladies on a daily basis.

Speaking of work, can you imagine working with me this week?  I don't know how they do it but they love me. Here's my workstation decorated by my sweet staff for National PA Day on Wednesday.  This made me smile.




The laughs also came easily this past weekend (thanks Erin and Collin) as we got out of town for an engagement party.  So the smiles and the laughs do come and have come, but they've been few and far between this week.

We are headed back to Texas Children's on Thursday to talk with the cardiologist again and meet the pediatric cardiovascular surgeon.  Supposedly my case was presented/will be presented this week at the cardiology conference.  Prayers please that this group of physicians and surgeons can come up with a plan for fixing Preston's heart and that we can hear a little bit more optimism in their voices on Thursday.  Or even better perhaps the Great Physician will heal P's heart before he's born.  Wouldn't that be a great testimony?

Please also pray that Preston does not develop a condition called hydrops fetalis.  This is a major concern the doctors have, and they will be following me very closely so they can detect this if it starts to develop. Mortality for these babies is about 90%.  Devastating statistic, right?

I'm scared, and my main concern is Preston and his well being. I do not want this child to suffer.  I feel his birth will automatically be his loss of innocence.  He doesn't deserve this.  No baby deserves this.  I've been an open book during my prayers (He knows how we feel already)...  I will give him back to God should that be His will especially if it means that Preston will not have to suffer or be in pain. He was never really mine to begin with anyways. God just decided to let me be his earthly mommy.  So yes, if it means that my baby will be spared any suffering or pain and it's God's will then I'm ok with him going to Heaven... after all his grandmother is already there and can't wait to get her hands on him I'm sure.





8 comments:

Queen Bee said...

tiffanie,
I cannot begin to imagine how you feel. All I can say is that my prayers are with you and continue to be the brave,strong, wonderful woman that you are. Your post has me in tears. Prayers to you all!! XOXO

Michelle said...

Being you and so real and vulnerable is just one of the many things I love about you T!!
HIS heart aches for what you are going through. Know that HE already knows and HIS arms are open for you to climb right up into as you are on this journey- to restore your hope where there is fear and joy where there is anger and peace where there is anxiety and rest where there is weariness! Those same arms offer comfort when sad and excitement when happy...receive each hug as a personal gift from your heavenly Daddy above and keep your eyes on HIM sweet Tiff!!

Samantha said...

Ephesians 3:20

I know God can do more than we can imagine and am praying that for Preston.

Casey said...

Praying for Preston everyday Tiffanie

The Johnson Family said...

Sending prayers for Preston, you and Tony everyday. I hate that you are going through this and that your heart is aching. I will be praying for the doctors as they meet and talk about his condition and that one of them is able to bring you some positive news!

XO

Megandvd@Beauty in the Attempt said...

Know my strength is yours to have if you will take it..it is yours. When you find yourself in need....know my strength is yours. We may be strangers...but a mother's love is universal.

e

Anonymous said...

Im in tears as i read your post. I cant imagine the pain you and your husband must be going thru. I will be praying for you and baby preston in the remaining weeks of your pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

SOOOO GLAD JUST TO HEAR FROM YOU IF ONLY ON SCREEN. THE DAYS OF SILENCE WERE SO EMPTY!
JUST HOLD ONTO YOUR FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE
REMEMBER HE GRANTED EMMA A MIRACLE ALTHOUGH I KNOW PRESTON MAY BE NEEDING A BIT OF A WHOPPER MIRACLE. REMEMBER GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD.

IS GOOD YOU CAN FREELY EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND FEARS LETS OTHERS FEEL CLOSER TO PRESTON AND YOU AND TONY.

TEARS ARE FLOWING FROM EVERYONE WHO LOVE YA'LL. YOUR ARE NOT ALONE BUT FEEL YOU HAVE BEEN LET DOWN IN LIFE AND YOU HAVE PULLED YOURSELF UP SO JUST KEEP ASKING HIM TO HEAL PRESTON ------MAKE HIM TOUGH ENOUGH TO WEAR PINK!!!! AND RIDE SHORTY. PRESTON CAN SURE LEARN PLEANTY FROM LEXIE, MACKENZIE AND HUNTER.

JUST TELL TX. CHILDRENS' CARDI DOC TO JUST SAY " I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN!!!!!"

MIRACLES STILL ARE GRANTED

LOVE ALWAYS,