Wednesday, June 13, 2012

what's on my mind: the blues.

Gosh, it's easy to blog about things when all is well and everything is hunky-dory.

I like to talk and blog about the fun things I've done or we've done.  That's fun to see/read, right?

I'll be honest ...  I was an open book on here during my difficult pregnancy, but I often feel a bit guilty about blogging about negative thoughts and feelings on here especially since I know that we're beyond blessed.   I have a roof over my head, a supportive family, a husband that would do anything for me, and a healthy and handsome little dude that I get to love on everyday. 

In trying to stay positive and upbeat on here most of the time I almost feel a little fake and like I'm putting on a facade. Not because I'm not being real (because I believe in keeping it real on here), but because I'm a human being and I make mistakes and I have real emotions ... good and bad, but yet I'm always posting about about the things that are good and look pretty.  We share smiles and tears in this house.  We laugh and we love, but sometimes we snap and we hurt feelings.  

This week for some reason has been extremely difficult for me emotionally.  I think that's partly due to coming home to reality after a few days of rest and relaxation and this.  I always get this way after vacations ...  where I feel down in the dumps after returning home. Anyone else?

But here's what been on my mind lately ...

- I am a bit of a recluse and I don't like it.  It's true.  I kind of stink at developing and maintaining relationships.

- I am a victim of text messaging and often forget to actually dial a number. I hate that. (and apologize to my family and friends)

- I like schedules and really struggle with spontaneity. I wish I lived more by this ... 

 - I spend all day talking to and motivating diabetic patients and sometimes in the evening I just want to veg out, just listen, and not talk.  It's usually the opposite for Mr. Gherkin.  

- I beat myself up over my weight.  It's something I really struggle with but hate talking about.  Someone told me years ago that the more I talk about my weight the fatter I'll appear.  Not sure if that's true or not but I remember her words and try to keep my head high, appear confident, and not talk about it.  I LOVE to eat and I don't particularly care for sweating.  I'm currently reading the Made to Crave devotional and am realizing that some of my intake is purely emotional.  I'm trying to eat less processed foods and stick with the motto if God made it, eat it.

- I worry everyday about whether I'm a good mom.  I hate this one the most.  Every night I reflect on the day and how I did as a mom.  Seems that I always remember the not-so-great moments or the times I lost my patience.  I wish it were easier to focus on the positive moments and why isn't it easier? Most of the time the positives certainly outweigh the negatives.  I mean I did meet his needs that day.  I fed him multiple meals and multiple snacks.  I hugged him and kissed him more times than I can count and loved every minute of it.  I gave him his medication at the three scheduled times.  We shared numerous laughs and smiles.  I gave him the right amount of autonomy during play time.  We sang songs.  We read a book or two.  We took walks and got our vitamin D.  I changed what seems like 27 dirty diapers and was sure to powder his bottom well.  We had fun during bath time and I let him splash a little longer than usual.  We share more hugs and more kisses.  BUT NOOO, it's always that one or two times that my patience was tested that I remember, that I focus on, and that I beat myself up over. 

That leads me to my next point (anyone still reading?) ... 

I was reading a devotion yesterday morning from this book and it included Nehemiah 8:10 ... the joy of  the Lord is my strength

So here's the deal.  I'm a Christian and I love my God.  I will admit that because of Preston my love for the Lord has deepened.  I strive to be a better Christian more now that I ever have before because I get hug my son every day and that God let me be his earthly mommy much longer than the doctors thought possible. 

The devotion went onto say that our enemy attempts to steal our JOY (be that what it may) to rob us of our strength.  Makes sense, huh?  

I spent a relaxing week filled with much JOY with my family and then came home to a week of the blues.  

Loved that I came across that devotion yesterday.  I feel like I have more insight on how and why I feel the way I do sometimes.  Too bad having that insight doesn't just wipe out all those negative thoughts, but it does make it a little easier to bounce back.  

Thanks for letting me share. Hate being a Debbie Downer, but loved getting my thoughts out.


Danielle said...

First, I hope your week gets better! But know that you are not the only one out there who feels like this. I also think its sometimes hard that when you are having a crappy day you almost always come across the "Susie Sunshine" blog post which just makes your day seem that less perfect. I always have to remind myself that people only share a part of their lives, and they have crappy days too.

But I always appreciate your honesty here on your blog, and thank you for sharing even the debbie downer stuff!

Brandi said...

I feel the same as you When I get back from vacay, I get really depressed..back to real life..ugh! Then, the whole weight long battle. I just posted about it. Keep your head up!!

♥Jess said...

Awe, HUGS to you Tiffany! It is nice to know that BLOGGERS are human out there - we all have our crap days for sure.

I'm on the same page as you with the weight gain. UGH! Totally feed up yet my love for the taste of food always gets the best of me.

I hope you have a better week, keep your head up - we all love you!

XO, Jess

Breann said...

You know, I think this a lot to do with today's pressures on working moms. I feel 100% exactly the way you do, all the time. I was exhausted on Monday and Logan was cranky and it was a bad bad combination. You work all day, come home and still have to be an upbeat person for the little one and your husband and somedays, you know what? It's just about survival.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Remember that thing I told you about how I felt when I first met you? I think you are one of the prettiest people I know :)

In this wonderful life... said...

Tiffanie, this is a great post and I think so many moms have many of the same feelings...women in general, even. I think you are doing amazing...and everything! I think it's so easy to jump in and out of emotions and have ups and downs, and I don't think it's a bad thing. I think a little bit of worry makes us strive to do the best we can, ya know? and if we don't give it our best one day, maybe we will the next. I've been hoping to get back into fresh eating. I feel so much better when I do it. I also need to get better at phone calls. See, same boat. However, I thank God a million times a day for my babies and husband...for my life. Hang in there, mama! This too shall pass.

Missy said...

So normal to feel all of these things and I think so many do. Its hard to juggle it all! But at the end of the day you are an amazing mom, wife and friend and lets face it lady, you are a HOTTIE!!!

Love you much!

Elizabeth Conaway said...

Man, been there a hundred times a day! Of course you are a great mom! Can you imagine how screwed up P would be if you were perfect? It's so great for kiddos to see that we make mistakes and get angry (and all of the other things that make us human) so that when they are not perfect they know it's ok. Also- totally there with you on the post-baby body. Who knew something you love so much could cause so much damage to you at the same time. Forget trying to eat healthy- I can't figure out when other working moms have time to work out. At the end of the day I keep choosing to spend time with Ellen instead of the gym. Hunt will heal this all up!!! Love to you!

Nancy said...

Good to see you are definitely human! My boys are 27, 25 and 22. The mistakes that they have made in their lives so far,(or choices that I didn't so much agree with!)have had nothing to do with how many books I read them, the junk food I served them or if I snapped back once or twice in my quest for better behavior! The most important thing I know to be true, is that thru it all,they know they are unconditionally loved.

Perfectly Imperfect said...

I think that feeling all of this makes you 100% human. Everyone has good days and bad days and it's good to talk about it. It's not whining, it's getting it out. And getting it out is good. you're an amazing Mom and an amazing lady. Don't forget that :)

Lisa Johnson said...

You are beautiful - inside and out. Try not to let the little things steal your joy (although you certainly are allowed to feel the blues every once in awhile). Loving your family is most important and you do that so well. Don't sweat the other stuff.

Kristin said...

i don't know what you're talking about. i'm ALWAYS upbeat and positive. i never have the blues. ever.

umm, false.

i want to shoot myself in the foot some days. but then, how could i wear my sweet new pumps?

can we go to mexico soon? like, for reals.

Cajun Cowgirl said...

I'm a bit late on reading this but I appreciate your honesty and thought in this post. You are so right; Satan's little goal to steal our joy wins out for me far too often. I love your reminder and I need the strength of the joy God gives me!