Gosh, it's easy to blog about things when all is well and everything is hunky-dory.
I like to talk and blog about the fun things I've done or we've done. That's fun to see/read, right?
I'll be honest ... I was an open book on here during my difficult pregnancy, but I often feel a bit guilty about blogging about negative thoughts and feelings on here especially since I know that we're beyond blessed. I have a roof over my head, a supportive family, a husband that would do anything for me, and a healthy and handsome little dude that I get to love on everyday.
In trying to stay positive and upbeat on here most of the time I almost feel a little fake and like I'm putting on a facade. Not because I'm not being real (because I believe in keeping it real on here), but because I'm a human being and I make mistakes and I have real emotions ... good and bad, but yet I'm always posting about about the things that are good and look pretty. We share smiles and tears in this house. We laugh and we love, but sometimes we snap and we hurt feelings.
This week for some reason has been extremely difficult for me emotionally. I think that's partly due to coming home to reality after a few days of rest and relaxation and this. I always get this way after vacations ... where I feel down in the dumps after returning home. Anyone else?
But here's what been on my mind lately ...
- I am a bit of a recluse and I don't like it. It's true. I kind of stink at developing and maintaining relationships.
- I am a victim of text messaging and often forget to actually dial a number. I hate that. (and apologize to my family and friends)
- I like schedules and really struggle with spontaneity. I wish I lived more by this ...
- I spend all day talking to and motivating diabetic patients and sometimes in the evening I just want to veg out, just listen, and not talk. It's usually the opposite for Mr. Gherkin.
- I beat myself up over my weight. It's something I really struggle with but hate talking about. Someone told me years ago that the more I talk about my weight the fatter I'll appear. Not sure if that's true or not but I remember her words and try to keep my head high, appear confident, and not talk about it. I LOVE to eat and I don't particularly care for sweating. I'm currently reading the Made to Crave devotional and am realizing that some of my intake is purely emotional. I'm trying to eat less processed foods and stick with the motto if God made it, eat it.
- I worry everyday about whether I'm a good mom. I hate this one the most. Every night I reflect on the day and how I did as a mom. Seems that I always remember the not-so-great moments or the times I lost my patience. I wish it were easier to focus on the positive moments and why isn't it easier? Most of the time the positives certainly outweigh the negatives. I mean I did meet his needs that day. I fed him multiple meals and multiple snacks. I hugged him and kissed him more times than I can count and loved every minute of it. I gave him his medication at the three scheduled times. We shared numerous laughs and smiles. I gave him the right amount of autonomy during play time. We sang songs. We read a book or two. We took walks and got our vitamin D. I changed what seems like 27 dirty diapers and was sure to powder his bottom well. We had fun during bath time and I let him splash a little longer than usual. We share more hugs and more kisses. BUT NOOO, it's always that one or two times that my patience was tested that I remember, that I focus on, and that I beat myself up over.
That leads me to my next point (anyone still reading?) ...
I was reading a devotion yesterday morning from this book and it included Nehemiah 8:10 ... the joy of the Lord is my strength.
So here's the deal. I'm a Christian and I love my God. I will admit that because of Preston my love for the Lord has deepened. I strive to be a better Christian more now that I ever have before because I get hug my son every day and that God let me be his earthly mommy much longer than the doctors thought possible.
The devotion went onto say that our enemy attempts to steal our JOY (be that what it may) to rob us of our strength. Makes sense, huh?
I spent a relaxing week filled with much JOY with my family and then came home to a week of the blues.
Loved that I came across that devotion yesterday. I feel like I have more insight on how and why I feel the way I do sometimes. Too bad having that insight doesn't just wipe out all those negative thoughts, but it does make it a little easier to bounce back.
Thanks for letting me share. Hate being a Debbie Downer, but loved getting my thoughts out.